3 Truths About Navigating Major Life Transitions
Major life transitions rarely send a calendar invite. They arrive suddenly-sometimes with excitement, sometimes with heartbreak. There are probably no real “universal truths” when it comes to navigating major life changes. We want a tidy structure that can be applied to major things that come along so we can move through them with ease and grace. It’s more realistic that major life changes show up like an uninvited houseguest, with no departure date. What is true is that with a little work and intentionality, major life changes can usher in new perspectives, new habits, and more resilience. The three following truths can help you navigate most of life’s major changes.
Change is messy. You are entering the learning space.
Most life changes throw us into what I call “the learning space”. This is the spot where what we know meets up with what we don’t know. Consider a client who has lost their sense of self through a divorce - this person knows what life is like as a part of a couple and isn’t sure what it will look like alone. Welcome to the learning space, it’s a disorienting, tiring, but revealing space. Learning is not linear. It’s a messy loop of trying, failing, adjusting, and trying again. I believe this comes from the disconnect between thinking and doing. My in-the-middle-of-divorce client thinks the solution to their loneliness is to start dating. That creates upward momentum in the learning space until they go on a few dates and realize they aren’t ready yet… momentum lost. The most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves in the learning space is to remember that it’s okay to not have the answers right now, trial and error is the best way to learn about ourselves and what helps us thrive. Add some self-compassion to the error part of the loop, and you’ll get to the knowing side of the learning space with a stronger sense of self.
Ask yourself, “How can I show myself compassion while I do this?”
The things we worry about are rarely the things that happen.
Some of the scariness during life changes is the unknown, the constant “what-ifs”, our brains desperately need to fill in those gaps so we create scenarios and game plans constantly. Well, guess what? I can promise you, after spending a lot of time listening to people, that 95% of what you worry might happen just doesn’t. The arguments we have in our head, the questions we think we’ll get, the outcome for the diagnosis we’re afraid of - we make these up, for us, to benefit us. It’s really hard to turn those thoughts off, but we can replace them. One of the most effective tools I’ve seen is to ask yourself, “How do I want to feel at the end of this?” and let that be your north star. What does that look like in real life? Let’s say your company has been bought and you are worried you might be laid off, your boss has scheduled a meeting for a few days away, and you can’t stop role-playing all the different scenarios. Pause and ask yourself, “When I’m in that meeting and when I leave that meeting, how do I want to feel?”. Maybe you want to feel more informed about the future, knowledgeable about your options, and valued for the work you’ve done. Make a list of what you’d need to feel that way - put yourself in the driver's seat and show up with detailed questions that will help you get what you need. Even when we can’t dictate the outcome, we can always manage our own needs.
Consider this: Acknowledge the fear, focus on what you need instead.
The only way out is through
Time is going to pass no matter what. That divorce? You’ll end up on the other side of it eventually. The meeting with your boss? You will inevitably walk out of your boss’s office with an answer. The real question is, what will you be like on the other side? When you reach the other side of the learning space, will it be on your terms, or will it be simply because time passed? It is still true, even with these guidelines, that life changes show up like uninvited house guests, but I believe major life transitions also bring us an opportunity to lean into the messy learning space and build something new for ourselves. We can’t dictate when that houseguest shows up, but we can decide how to navigate the visit.
If you’re in the messy middle of something right now - in the learning space, in the waiting, or in the uncertainty - you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s talk.
